DAY 321 (Bring the change!)

 If you are a mother and if you keep cribbing about societal issues and the way kids have been brought up in our generation, keep reading.

Well, every generation have their own issues and we all progress in a way or another. But even after generations of changes there is one common issue which is discussed in all forums (professional and personal/ formal and informal/ planned and unplanned) is patriarchy. 

I am not one of those feminist who advocate for the world to turn into a matriarch to take revenge on the oppression generations of women have been facing. I honestly vote for equality. And I think most of us do. However, what do we actually do to bring that change? 

Apart from discussing and being profound at the takeaways, I don’t think there is any progressive step that we actually take. I do feel that to take the step it does not have to be groundbreaking. Everything starts at home and so this solution starts at home too. 

Most of the time, we start discussing or working upon these issues with the men of our age or a generation above. Results? Arguments, inconclusive suggestions, dead-ends. Ever wondered why? Because most of them have almost lived half of their lives already and you are asking a change in something which has been there forever in them. 

What’s doable? Bringing a change from the start of a life. Which brings me to moms. Stop telling your girls to be independent, self-reliant, learn self-defense, be assertive. All those are the right things to guide to but they won’t make a difference in patriarchy. Your girls will grow up and make another lean-in circle to discuss the same things you are discussing now. 

Plant the right seeds in your boys. Don’t tell them what’s right and what’s wrong. Show them. Kids learn what they see and learn only half of what they listen to. 

I will give the examples of my attempts in the hope of bringing of a change. 

1. I go out for meals with my friends, I play sports regularly, I go out and work, attend conferences and I tell my son to be a good boy while I am away. For him it is normalised for his mother to be away equally and sometimes more than his father and he expects equal parenting from both. 

2. I tell my boy how to be independent. I strongly feel it is much more important for men to be independent rather than women. If you notice, we map independence to mostly earning for yourself. But what about the independence of survival? Imagine you can earn crores, but can’t find your sock! Are you independent? So I teach my son to do his own chores. No special treatment. If he is hungry, in few years he should know to cook his own meal rather than being dependent on the woman of the house. Keep yourself organised so you know where your stuff is. Know that your surrounding and ecosystem is your responsibility and not a woman’s or a household hired and supervised by a woman. 

3. I try to teach my son to be expressive. It is very very important that boys are taught to be expressive since the beginning. All the “man up” talks builds up narcissistic men who are unaware of how they became what they became.

4. My son is a reader and I don’t discourage him from liking, picking, reading the princess fairy tales (if he chooses). I don’t really like the concepts of a maiden being rescued by a prince but I want him to explore everything and decide what he likes. This opens him up to avoid gender chosen readings and also shows him both sides of the world. I also avoid making gender comments like you can’t like this colour it’s pink! Or you can’t see that movie, it’s for girls! I know it sounds ridiculous but I see many women of my age saying these things to their boys all the time. It is unconscious bias.

5. It has not been time yet, but I intend to teach my son about menstruation and how and what a girl experiences during this time and how he can help his friends, sisters or partner in future. It is very very important that men normalise knowing and talking about menstruation and genuinely understand how much females need their support and how long a kind gesture goes!

6. I teach my son to never be insensitive and always think how would he feel about something that he is going to do or say to someone else. If he doesn’t feel good about it, don’t do it. I feel this exercise will make him a calmer man and will avoid calling assertive women aggressive which is the most I have faced and would not want another woman to face it atleast from my son. 

7. It’s too early right now but I intend to teach my son to always prioritise life over money and comfort. Men are taught to be mechanical. They are taught to measure their success by how much they earn or how much luxury they can afford. I intend to teach my son to watch out for signs when he is loosing out on life and people. Look for signs like forgetfulness: which means too much on your plate, take a break. Loneliness: which means you are losing your loved ones, reconnect. Always maintain work life balance. Because if you don’t, you won’t even know when you lost everything!

These are just the “what you could do” pointers and there can be many more you keep doing at your home to “bring the change”. I attended a recent conference where a successful female CEO said that if we are talking about the same problems 10 years later then there is no point in wasting this time right now. That hit me hard. 

There cannot be a problems-free world but there can be a progressive world to the most regressive problem we have been facing since generations. 

So do your bit and bring up the right humans for a better world! Don’t man them up, human them up!