Day 245 (Being an outsider...)

It's a feeling of not belonging. Like I am an outsider. Sometimes, this feeling creeps in and lingers for so long that it becomes poisonous, it makes me hateful.

I have so many reasons why did I leave my hometown and did not choose to stay nearby. But, all those reasons could make me only conditionally happy. From the food to the surroundings, nothing is same. Nothing is home.

I speak and seem like no one is relating to anything. I share my likes/dislikes, my choices and I see faces made. I work, and I find myself dumb among all those insiders.

Yes, I am an outsider. And I am in my own country.

Choice. I always thought its an easy word. A word with just one meaning. But, I see choices being judged everywhere. Choices being marked right and wrong or in terms of latest generation - Awesome and ewwww. And look at me being a fool, I always thought that choices are very personal. One-to-one mapping. I like this. You like that. Simple.

It is not that it is always disrespectful. I try and I learn so many things from so many of them. I learn about the festivals, the cinema, the conceptual differences we have of entertainment. But that all is very short term.

I feel insulted and helpless so many times. Like we hear people telling tales of foreign countries, where they call us "bloody Indians" and we want to rip their throat apart but all we do is grit our teeth. I have the same feeling here (mostly).

Well, we UP-ians or northerners are not idiots/thieves/weird/strange. We are as normal as you. I understand you read about all those crimes and disgust happening at our hometowns but it is not that your city doesn't face crime issues. Moreover, we are not those criminals.
Yes we like the typical Bollywood movies which shows those tickling accents and the funny parts of our daily chores. Yes, we like that uncommercial cinema and those world-class actors too which you might find unattractive or highly stupid. But, it is simply us.

Opinion is one thing and imposing is other. Point of view is one thing and conclusion is other. Disliking is one thing and hating is other.

No, I did not overreact. Neither did I exaggerate. Everything in this has happened with me once in a while and it isn't nice.

I might not belong here, but I still live here. Disconnected. Unattached.


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