Being What I Always Wanted To Be.....

Its silly that till the time you are in a lower grade in school, everyone teaches you to speak the truth and never lie. Lying is a sin they say. Being a victim and not reporting a crime is as big a sin as committing the crime itself .....isn't it? Maybe it is because it is your age to say a few kiddish lies or to do some naughty stuff and they don't want you to keep a practice of it. Then...later on when you start growing and actually start understanding life, there comes a time when you start realising or becoming victims of others' wrong-doings. Now, that should be an equal sin too. But BAM..!! Now everyone says the opposite. They advice you not to say anything, keep away from the unnecessary fuss. They advice you to loop out yourself. But why?? Why now should I shut up? What I have learnt from life is, if you are straight forward and you say what you see..what you hear, there is never an imbalance between your heart and your mind. You know what you are saying and yo...

I sometimes can't believe that still in this era, such people exist in a literate industry like IT who believe that just because they have a penis, they can code better. Sounded too blunt right? What if I say that such people spit on my face saying "I cannot be efficient enough because I am biologically different? i.e. I am a female". Thats cold and worse than blunt..!! Have you seen reptiles? The lizard that sticks to your roof and is uglier than anything you have ever seen before? A snake which is so slimy and sometimes looks shining but it is full of nothing but poison? A frog whose adobe is a stinking well? So I have a hybrid of all these cold-blooded reptiles all around me. They look uglier than a lizard, have more poison than a snake and stink worse than a frog. Even if you remove their teeth, cut their tongue, bind them in chains, they will always be reptiles. The best part is they forget where they came from. They would not have been born and would not have...

Trends change after every decade. And sometimes you wish you were born in this decade and not that one. Stupidity is... everyone chooses to follow the trend rather than being a trend-setter. And everyone hates what they are following. Ofcourse! Because its kind of a routine. Nothing exciting. I do what 100 billion people are doing. I am as useless and unnoticeable as a rock on roadside. Well...I'll give you some examples. Though I hate to recall my college days..but I remember that in my college, we had uniforms. Now for winter days, girls were allowed to wear either the regular salwar-suits that they wore during summers or the trousers, shirt and blazers. I don't know the exact reason, maybe it was because it was a conservative city/area where my college belonged or maybe every girl wanted to look as homely as she could to seduce the single boys...but no one ever chose for the trousers from past few years. But I chose to wear one. Some got satirical about it and few appreci...

I have been told since I was a child that I should never trust anyone. Thats the fundamental rule. I tried to follow it till maybe I was in 4th grade. But after that, I think I trusted the more as I was asked not to. Now that was not a rebel attitude. It was just that I was fighting with myself by following the rules. It happens that our elders lay down some rules for ourselves the moment we are born, based on what they faced till the last few years of their life. But thats not a concrete prediction nor is it universal. It happened with me twice in 25 years of my life doesn't mean it is going to happen to my kid every day for the rest of their lives. And if I believe that then in order to protect my child I will make him a prisoner maybe. Yes I know...that I will feel protective towards my kid being hurt. But for that I should be a part of his life on a regular basis. I should know what is happening with him, around him. I should suggest things. I should take advices from him....

Things shouldn't come too easy. A little difficulty keeps the thrill, adds the excitement and makes you proud of its achievement. Now if we think otherwise I might sound a little idiotic. What are you..crazy? .. People would say. You are getting something without working hard for it and you are unhappy about it? Yes I am. To console myself in a superstitious way I might say that I would have done something good so this is a result I am getting. But I know deep inside that its all bullshit. Its a little luck thats playing me not rewarding me. And people get misled here. My problem is satisfaction. Satisfaction of earning it is not what it is when getting it. And it gets hard to share when I am feeling otherwise. I won't like anyone else being special treated. And I treat myself as everyone else. Call it foolishness. I call it honesty and transparency. If I don't have these traits, I might lose myself and might be lost forever too. No one would want that void. All I ...

Human tendency is to keep cribbing what they could have? And "Could" is a dangerous word. It has no limitation...just an unending horizon. Those who choose to stay in the "could" zone are always lagging something in their life. Either it is something they longed for or its something they just got interested into. But the urge is never the less in either of the cases. They start struggling for the "could(s)" of their life. They fight for it. They work for it. Some of it they earn. Some of it is stealing. But every "could" adds 2 new baby "could(s)" to their family. Satisfaction is a mirage if you are a human. Sometimes you create this mirage for others and sometimes for yourself. But not even once is it your real life or even a part of it. The "could(s)" can be inspired from unending resources- your neighbours, your first cousins, your friends, your colleagues, your acquaintances, the person sitting next to you in bus, a...

Consciousness is a state of mind they say. So is confidence too in that case. But most of us are hanging between these two. We might pretend to be at one of the absolute ends of this bridge but we never cross the bridge. We are just going back and forth since ages. Aaahh...with this I believe this post is going to be philosophical. Trust me it was unintended and unplanned. I am not confident about what I am writing but my consciousness keeps me going to experiment. You just entered and became the current state of my mind ...isn't it? Its just all mind games which our own brain is playing with us. It makes us feel/believe that we are being puppets to somebody else's grey matter. But we never get out of the trap of our own junk inside our heads. We are just dangling day and night between black and white, do's and dont's, aspiration and practicality. No one ever handles us. We do all disaster to ourselves. But just to save our-self from the embarrassment, we put it ...

I have tried it in many ways but without that enthusiasm its just not possible. I see the things at my doorstep but I don't have the motivation to answer the door. I know that there is a staircase to lead me up but I feel lazy to climb it. I have food in my fridge but heating it is also a task for me. It sounds pathetic and it is too. And worst part is when you see your own life going like a snail and you are unable to do anything about it. It is not about motivation. It is not about a push also. It is just the lethargic me. And I don't even have the energy to explain this apathy. There is nothing sad going on but there is nothing happy as well. I see the colours but I don't see them. I am not gloomy but I am not cheerful too. I am just mounted on this chair, eyes glued to this spy screen that keeps popping me with new things without the old ones finished as if to irritate me more. Sometimes I wonder, do I miss the old things??...things that have slipped now and ...

Wandering on those polluted streets again...perspiring like a pig. Horns honking like an Indian marriage band all around me. People staring and posing at celebrities buildings/homes. And then a relieving cool breeze brush my cheeks whenever I reach the sea-side. If I ignore the couples smooching, the dirty water or the unnecessary crowd and noise, the view is a bliss! I sit there; watch the sunset; get into my poetic senses but realise I should go now probably. I reach the most used and always crowded place then...the local-train station where people irrespective of the caste, creed, colour, state, religion, occupation or sex pushing each other to get into the impatient train which can start any moment after it halts. Those who succeed run for seats but most of them prefer to hang on the door to beat the heat with the warm air gushes. Hawkers selling the local stuff, students reading their course books, families eating the vada-paav and the gang of guys discussing their next musical p...

I try to be indifferent towards people in general. And I expect the same treatment from them. But I think the equation goes well till the time I am not seeming happy to them. It doesn't matter what day it is. It doesn't matter how happy you are. And it definitely doesn't matter how non-sharing you were when you planned something good for yourself! People just have to pitch in! Why? How? Which? and their favourite... WHAT!!?? Its a simple thing .. Why ..because I want to! How... the way I want to! Which... whichever I want!! And for WHAT.... nothing; forget it! Even if its a consistent behaviour, all I expect is a little "time-out" and sparing-factor for atleast one day in the year! It would cost them nothing..but it might give me the best time of the year!! They didn't care when I was low...I don't want their pitching when I am happy!! If I am capable enough to handle my problems...all I want is to let me enjoy my happiness too!! And stop spoi...