DAY 64 (A confession..)

I have come blank to this NEW POST section today. Don't have a clue of what to scribble ahead. So now...I make a confession today.

Since my birth....I have been more around my paternal grandmother (Dadi..) than my own parents. She understood my needs....knows me inside out. And thats how I and my Uncle (Chacha...) are such good buddies. But for my maternal side....I was never ever bothered. Thats because simply neither did we visit them often nor was there any attachment from my side henceforth. Whenever we cared to used to be some mandatory-to-visit ocassions like RAKSHABANDHAN, BHAI-DOOJ etc. And to cope up with the time period I used to prefer my Aunt's (Maami's) and her daughter's (Akansha..this is a different Akansha..) company. They were the best to talk to. My grandparents (Naana and Naani) have always loved me from the core of my heart. Whenever I visited them...they had something new to gift me. was the best sweets of the town...some times the yummy chooran ki goli, sometimes Naana ji's new poem (he is an excellent hindi poet and a doctor) and sometimes cash to buy whatever I want. They always gave me a warm bear hug and squeezed me in between them the whole time I am there. They would talk endlessly about every new thing they could. My Naani ji couldn't speak altogether for long...but for me...she always managed. But I....I have been a total Shit..! Never did I care about take interest in them or sit and spend time with them. Moreover...when my mom used to ask me to recite some of my latest poems to them..I used to make faces and shrug it away. But then being scolded by Dad..I used to spill out a line or two...and Naanaji used to take out a Rs. 500/- note right away...and handed it to me out of happiness. Naniji...used to kiss me on the forehead a thousand times...and I didn't ever give a damn. Thats the kind of Shit..I have been.

And then one day...I found mom to just hurrying up to go to Nani's place. I asked her what happened...she didn't tell me and just rushed out of the house. I was in class 9th then. I was just Mom's reaction...not because I bothered or anything...but because I felt rejected. It was all about myself then. I got more furious by the evening because she wasn't home back yet and I was hungry. She was supposed to make me something to eat...right? And Dadi called me up saying..."beta ..tum teeno ko abhi phuphaji lene aayenge...aur tum log bua ke ghar ruk jana." What the hell? Why? I was really infuriated. But I said nothing. I thought I would deal with Mom in person. Then as we went to Bua's place...she took me outside in the balcony and told me that Naniji is no more. I was broken...really reaaallllyyy broken. I didn't have words to say. All I did was crying...till the morning. With swollen eyes and heavy heart...I asked God to bless her soul in the morning. I was feeling disgusted for myself. I could remember all the things that she did for me in the past. I never even bothered to keep them with me. I just dumped them at different places. 

That was the year...when I grew up. Many things just changed right after then and I managed well. My and my sisters' school mom picked up a job and our house was under construction. I took the responsibilty of me and my sisters. And I did pass through.

But..that shade of mine..couldn't be passed just by the excuse of being naive or immature. I have done a sin. And I confess it.

I really wish that God bless my Naani always. Even today...I do not visit Naanaji that often either. But I never stop my Mom atleast. But I just wish....if I could be a better person then...................


  1. confessions generally make you feel light inside.. and I m sure you must be feeling ok by now.. Dont live life with a heavy heart.. and people who love you, they always forgive you.. So dont regret.. take your lessons and move on..

  2. Stop beating yourself up, Supriya. Sometimes we f*ck things up because we just do. Move on and learn from it. I know it's easier said than done. But that's just the way it is. Hugs.

  3. @chanz...thankyou...thats all i can say on this..

  4. @brenda...thanks so much brenda...especially for the hugs..!

  5. For some reason I had tears in my eyes reading your post.. could be for your wonderful naani (I never could have one ) or for your great loss.
    I join you in sending a prayer her way.

  6. @farida...I really appreciate it..

  7. I could actually feel every word in ur post. I have been into this situation where you lost someone to whom you wanted to say many things but life took the chance away..!!! and m still living in the sorrow of loosing my nanaji, its just 8 months back story.. All fresh in my mind..!!!
    one thing more, i remeber when you lost your nanaiji. Your mumma called up @ my place to give in the news, and my mum was on call.. i was sitting jst next to her and i could hear the your mum crying, i could feel the pain. My mum also started crying...
    y Man.....? Its so painful ....!!! huh..!!!

  8. @vasu... I am so touched that you remembered the time...with every minute detail. Some losses are just the worst damage of your life..!

  9. I'm really touched by this post....

    mujhe behad dukh hua aapki naani ji ke baare mein sun ke...
    ab main kya kahoon is baat pe,achha laga aapne jo bhi likha wo padh ke..

    jab main chota tha, lagbhag 7 saal ka to usi waqt maine apne naana ko kho diya tha...
    mujhe unki halki halki yaad hai...
    naani ji to ab bhi mere saath hain, aur khusi hai mujhe ki unse kai baatein seekhne ko milti hain...
    lekin dukh is baat ka hai ki mujhe naana, dada,daadi ji ka sukh nahi mil paaya...daada-daadi ji ka swargwaas mere janam se pehle ho gaya tha....

    jab bhi kisi ke dada,daadi ya naana ka jikr sunta hun, man behad hi udaas ho jata hai...
    jab aapne ye jikr kiya naana ji ki kavitayon ka,mithaiyon ka to mujhe achha lag raha tha padhne mein..

    meri maa,naani aur bhi kuch log aksar ye baatein karte hain ki jab main chota tha kaise naana mere liye har shaam office se wapas aate waqt mithai laate the... :)

    aapne jo bhi confession kiya, achha laga....dil ko halka kar len, koi khalish na rakhe mann mein aap :)

    aur, comment thoda lamba ho gaya...aage se length ka khayal rakhunga :)

    subhkamnayen..!! :)

  10. @abhi...tahe dil se shukriya..un sab cheezo ke liye jo aapne likhi! Aur comment ke length ka khayal rakhne ki koi aavyashakta nahi...accha lagta hai jab koi humari likhi hui cheezo pe itna dhyan de aur fir apna thoda sa samay de. Ek bar fir.. bot bot..Dhanywad..!

  11. @suripya,
    :) thnanks :)
    you're welcome :)


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